Too Few To Mention

I'm trying very hard not to regret any of the decisions I make about raising Rocco.  I do not want to set myself up to feel as though I have done something 'wrong' or that I am a bad mother.  I'm a great mother.  Yet there is that little voice inside my head that says I should be doing things like 'that' mother.  Or how the 'book' says.  Or how the OB suggested.  Or the way the stranger at the grocery store did.

And what I have done is take a little from 'that' mother.  The 'book'.  And the bazillion other baby 'experts' out there.  And I'm developing a system that works for me.  More importantly one that works for Rocco.  Oh, yeah.  And Eric, too! (My poor husband.  But that will have to be a separate blog entry.)

The best advice I have been given came from my friend, Anne.  Twenty four hours after the birth of her first child, Anne told me to 'be flexible'.  Nothing had gone as she had planned and it was out of her control.  And for those of you who know me I'm a big fan of plans AND control.

I have been working hard on my 'flexibility'.  I have had little choice in the matter.  Because Anne was right.  Nothing went according to plan.  Not to mention that Rocco has his own agenda that takes priority over mine.

I begged for pain medication when I swore I would not.
I had a C section after 14 hours of labor.  Another route I did not want to take.
I had these unrealistic notions of what I 'should' do.  That there was some 'ideal' way to have a baby.  That if I  did not do things a certain way I would be a failure.  And I felt guilty and judged as I was signing the consent for anesthesia.  Like I was weak for 'throwing in the towel' and giving up on the pushing process.

Most of that guilt went away when they put him on the scale and I saw what he weighed.  More of that guilt disappeared when Eric told me that the same midwife whom I thought was thinking less of me because of my request for surgery said to him that she thought the C section saved his 'wife's vagina'.

Yet still when people ask about my delivery and I tell them I had a C section it is almost as though I am telling them some shameful secret about myself.  That I did not do it 'right'.

'Right' and 'wrong' leave no room for flexibility.

I do not want to second guess my decision not to 'co-sleep' with Rocco.  Although 'they' say co-sleeping decreases the risk of SIDS.  Most nights Rocco sleeps in his crib.  On occasion I have let him sleep in our bed.  That is 'flexible'.  Right?

I do not want to beat myself up for giving my son formula in a bottle in addition to breastfeeding because the lactation consultant told me a baby's IQ increases by a trillion if they are exclusively breastfed for 6 months.  What mother wouldn't exclusively breast feed?  A mother who is throwing up and turning green while trying to nurse her enormous and starving son.  That is who.

Don't even get me started on going back to work.  There is no decision to be made there.  I have no choice.  But again, that is another blog entry!

I do not want to regret any of the decisions I have made or will make when it comes to raising Rocco to be a happy, healthy young man.  He is happy and healthy now so I must be doing something right.  If I have confidence in my decision no one can make me feel like I have done something 'wrong' or that I am a 'bad' mom.  Because I will know otherwise.

So, I keep reminding myself to remain 'flexible'.  And that is a challenge for me.  But one I am willing to take on.